Sunday, October 25, 2009


When my ex-girlfriend and I began our "break," I thought it would be noble or worthwhile or fulfilling on my part to begin counting the days, or months, or even years until we could once again be together. After a few days, it occurred to me that the day might never come when we would reuinite, so my endeavor would be entirely in vain, trying to prove something to someone that just doesn't need proving. People grow up, people grow apart, people change in some of the most unforeseeable ways and there's just nothing that any of us can do about it. The truth of the matter is that the day may never come again when we make sense for one another, and chronicling my daily sufferance on a flimsy notepad was not going to change that.

It seems to me that counting my remaining days of chemotherapy is much more timeworthy, especially considering that it has a planned end date.

Today is the fifth and final day of the current five-day chemo. Needless to say, I'm anxious to go home. After two Bone Marrow Biopsies, a bone scan, an EKG, and little to watch on television, I'm yearning for a comfortable bed.

After today, I will have completed 21 of 49 chemo days. It still leaves a lot to be done, but it's six of the fourteen rounds overwith and so far I've come out halfway alright.

Nothing is ever going to be perfect, and even having the audacity to expect it to be so is like asking for punishment. A relationship may disappear without explanation or understanding, health may deteriorate in a similarly mysterious fashion, and we are left to our own means of coping with the situations that arise.

Like I said, I still have a long way to go. Eight more rounds of chemo, plus scans and vaccines and radiation and whatever else they decide to throw at me, but right now, at the end of this lengthy cycle, the battle doesn't seem as far uphill as it has in the past. Maybe the nausea and dizziness will kick in and take care of that, but right now, in this very moment, I'm determined. And determination can certainly accomplish a lot of unlikely feats.


  1. life takes turns for the better, and turns for the worse. Finally, it looks like yours is taking turns for the better. No matter how alone this nightmare may make you feel, don't forget how many people LOVE you and support you. Love,

  2. hey buddy, just wanted to say i love and miss you. keep up the great writing and stay strong, and when youre back in bethesda let me know and ill bring some good movies and well chill out.

    peace brother.

  3. Almost half way there! Thanks for this post. You make chemo sound more manageable than loss of love. How deep was your love! And your letting go and counting these days, with full realization that expectations can come falling down, is still uplifting. You seem to know how to hang out in the balance. Welcome home!

  4. Hi Jon, so so happy to hear the great test results ... your writing is as amazing as your honesty, strength and spirit ... one moment at a time ... you keep blogging ... i'll keep praying:) Love, Jo-Ann V.

  5. Jonathan,
    Love to read your are truly a gifted writer. Life does throw these balls at us but you definitely seem to be throwing them back and handling it all. You are an inspiration to us all. We continue to pray for you every night. May you stay strong....always thinking/praying for you.
    John/Denise Gilroy