Thursday, June 9, 2011

Love Love Love

I know what it feels like to wake up in pain. In fact, over the past month or so, my pain has fluctuated so much I have no idea what to think. One night on a dormitory mattress at my sister's college graduation proved too much for my body to handle; I was sore for weeks. Speculation about the tumor and what that could mean just serves to drive a person nuts, and I've learned to live from day to day, treating each as its own blessing.

I'm happy to say that since this last round of chemo, the pain in my back has diminished to at least its pre-dorm mattress levels, and living each day in less pain really does make living so much easier and so much more enjoyable.

One of those things I've been enjoying, rather than waking up in pain, is waking up in love. I've been waking up every day in the midst of uncertainty, yet overwhelmed by love like I never knew was possible. I know I've said it before, but Laci reminds me that I can have everything there is to have in this world, and I feel so lucky to be planning to have it all with her. I'm not saying that choosing color palettes for bridesmaids dresses and flowers has become my favorite pastime; my eyes still occasionally wander back towards the television (shh, don't tell), but I'm excited for things I've never been excited for before. I miss her before she leaves my side, and I revel in the fact that only a few more hours stand between us and another hello kiss.

I feel foolish, partially for saying this here. I feel silly because I've never felt it before. I sit here and think about her and start laughing over things that aren't really funny but stand out to me as part of who she is; a part of me. Yes, I feel aches and pains, and I still feel scared sometimes. But it's all overshadowed by love. I feel love. Every day. For that I am eternally thankful.