Monday, October 12, 2009

Anger and Sadness

Today I was angry. There's not a whole lot to it. I was just really angry. I woke up cold and nauseous, I had to go have blood taken, the car ride made me sick and I was angry. I came home, flopped down on the couch and fell asleep, and when I woke up I was angry.

I passed the day, muddling through interactions with my friends and family, but I just kept thinking about the way things are and it made me angry. I could tell I was taking it out on other people, but I just couldn't make myself care. I'm trapped in this nightmare and I can't run or take a break or get away from it because right now it defines me. I can't live or breathe like a normal person; I can't go find excitement or intrigue or anything new. I can't meet new people or have a job or go an entire day without feeling like I'm going to vomit and it makes me feel so empty. It feels like the one and only thing I have in my life is cancer, and god knows how badly I don't want it.

I don't expect life to be like a fairy-tale. I know it isn't. But I think about going through nine more sessions of this misery and I wonder if it's really worth it. I've already been through five rounds of chemo, and there are still nine more scheduled. I've never heard of anything that requires fourteen rounds of chemo! The sad part is, the pain I was enduring before I was diagnosed was so severe that I finally concluded life wasn't worth living if I couldn't figure out how to get rid of that pain. Now, the pain is mostly under control, but I'm hardly less miserable. I find myself asking whether I have it better or worse now than before. The objective is obviously to get rid of this thing so I can move on and be happy again, but it's so damn far away and nobody really knows if I'll ever get there.

I had a girlfriend up until a few months before my diagnosis. I know it's important to be able to rely on myself, and I don't ever want to depend upon someone else to determine my happiness. But at least when I had her, I always felt like there was one huge good thing that I had regardless of how other things in my life were going.

These days, I don't have much of anything except an empty stomach. I mean that literally and figuratively. And while I still believe she's out there for me, that special girl, I have no way of finding her. I can only sit here and hope she'll still be there when I can finally escape this interminable prison. Even then, nothing's guaranteed.

So, I'm angry. I'm sad. I feel helpless and frustrated and I don't want to go through any more chemo, let alone nine more rounds. The prospects of tomorrow look depressingly like those of today, but who knows? Maybe tonight I'll fall asleep and when I wake up it will all be gone. Like one big, terrible nightmare.


  1. angry makes sense Jonathan. I'm angry for you. Nine more rounds of chemo.

    I share that view of you with all of this behind you. and you with a wonderful girlfriend and lots of interestings things to do. excitement.

    this was not in your plan. Damn.

    Hoping you find something surprising and pleasing today.

  2. ugh i know exactly how you feel. i got scans done halfway through my treatment, and they came back clean. but i STILL have to finish up all of my cycles. rationally, i understand why, but every time i get accessed and sick all over again, i get so pissed that now they're basically screwing up my body for no reason...

    i've been blogging as well... come check me out at ...i write about getting treated for hodgkin's at a children's hospital (of all places!)

  3. hey got youre blog link from PC , Im sorry youre going throw such a tough time and youre geting tired of fighting and feel like its for nothing. But know that life is worth fighting for You are worth fighting for and the people around you are too.Pls dont give up I hate there is nothing I can do to make it easyer or take the pain away. Im here for you thow. PC is a great place to conect with alot of young adults that understand what you go throw. I hope we can help you go throw the procces of youre healing. **Hugs**ttys, Cora

  4. Jonathan
    I know the battle is getting tougher, but I havre complete confidence that you will come out a winner

  5. hey man....I don't know how to use this blogging stuff and don't even know if I've reached the right person here ...but if you remember me from guitar lessons in New City then you'll know who I am ....

    I was extremely happy and relieved to hear from your dad that things have improved (if I've got the right Jonathan) ....if you gotta' go to chemos anyway, I hope they cut the 9 sessions down to 3 and then to nothing before you know it ...

    all the best,


  6. hmm seems it was posted a long time ago... anyways, i've got 6 chemos and have 11 more to go, and i'm angry as hell. guess you're done with you're chemo by now, and that's like the words i've been wantin to hear haha, thinking that you're finally over it, or at least with a lot less to go gives hope man, like imagining that you read this blog and think " maan i remember when i was still missing 9 chemos, seems like yesterday..." Hope you're better, make you're story one that inspires other man, i know its hard but its like the best one can do about cancer, give hope to others with a good example...